My Mental Health Journey

Dear 16 year old Jamie,     Well, we are two months away from turning forty. I know you are freaking out about age, but it isn't as bad as we thought it would be. In fact, a lot of things have turned out differently than we anticipated. I know we had big dreams of fame and fortune, but sadly we did not become the next Britney Spears. If you could see her today, you'd be thankful for that. We didn't move to a big city. We didn't meet our Prince Charming. You never learned to ice skate. You don't stay skinny and blonde. You end up with some silly tattoos. But we have learned a lot of lessons, grown from them, and made a lot of memories.     Here's something that will surprise you, you're a mom. You have the most amazing thirteen year old son. He's the love of your life and your best friend. He tells you how wonderful you are and how much he loves you everyday. He's active in football, wrestling, and lacrosse. You have mastered the sports mom lifestyle.

I started taking weekly dupixent injections two months ago. In that time, I have gained 10 pounds and started having brain fog. I'll be talking and can't think of the words I want to say. For example, I was trying to think of the word debrit. All I could think of was "artifact" and "wreckage". I knew the word I wanted to say started with the letter D, but I could not think of what it was. It came to me three days later. After doing some online research, I discovered weight gain and brain fog are not uncommon on this medication, even though they aren't offically listed as side effects. I have decided to stop taking this injection, even though it has helped with my eosinophilic esophagitis (EoE) symptoms. I have not thrown up in two months. I have had less issues with swallowing. I no longer feel like I constantly have something stuck in my throat. The brain fog just isn't worth it. I cried at one point. Thought I was starting with early onset of demen

I've been doing random journal prompts for this blog. Today's prompt is: What three important things have you learned from previous relationship? I feel like I have learned a lot more than three important things. Not just about things in my partner, but I've also learned a lot about myself. But in no particular order, here are three of the biggest things I have learned...  1. A lot of the time, I am the problem. Or at least I was, going to try my best to not make those mistakes again. Being married to someone who was extremely unfaithful and lied all the time, made me paranoid. Losing two family members back to back, made me paranoid.  I didn't know how to trust anyone. I assumed all relationships were toxic. I assumed anyone I got close to was going to leave me. I know I was clingy. I know I was annoying. My self confidence was down. I should've worked on myself before trying to add anyone else to my equation. I needed to heal. I see that now. I've taken the ti

I've always found making lists so motivational. There's something so satisfying about crossing something you've accomplished off a list. My procrastination has been at an all time high recently. I've decided to make a public list of things I'd like to accomplish this month to help hold me accountable.  1. Be a better person- I tend to complain a lot. I get crabby. I shut myself off from people. Sometimes going to Wal-Mart and holding the door for someone feels like a chore I don't want to do. I need to change my attitude. My life is so much better than a lot of people I interact with on a daily basis, I need to be more grateful for that. I need to spread love and positivity, not sourness and gloom.  2. Be a better mom- I know I am not a bad mom. I know Odin loves me more than anything. I know he's a teenager and doesn't think I am the coolest person in the world. But I need to spend more time with him. I need to do more things he is interested in. He'

I have been single for the past 8 years. I spent a year on and off dating someone, but was informed that didn't mean we were in a relationship, so we're not going to count that. My ex-husband and I split when I was 31. The relationship was a train wreck.  I grew up in a home where my dad worked his ass off, so my mom could stay home. He catered to all of us. He did all the running, anything my mom needed. He loved her. He took care of her. They never fought. I thought that's how all marriages were. I thought everyone got the fairytale. I quickly most marriages weren't really like that. Mine was one of the bad ones. There were bouts of infidelity, abuse, and mental breakdowns. When I left my marriage, I wanted to be loved in any way possible. I needed to feel like someone wanted me, no matter what the reasoning was. I wasn't in a good mental state. I was living in an apartment over my parents' garage. I didn't have a car. I didn't have my own bank account